Grave Mind

I went through the Grave Mind yesterday. It was my first time experiencing this, and everything went horribly wrong.
 
I was born an Ascensorite, but something happened while I was in there. By all markers, I appear to have been brought back as a Semper Mort. I have fangs and claws and crave things that have never before been appetizing. Even my eyes are different. What's more, I seem to have echoes of remembered conversation, whispers really. In my head. My fellow doctors have ruled me of sound mind, so it isn't something that I'm imagining. After a bit of research, I have discovered that there is a local stain of the Semper Morts called Somnambulists. From a clinical standpoint, Semper Morts are members of the Gorger lineage. One thing that Gorgers have in common is eating living strains, be it flesh, blood, or, in my case, spinal fluid. How do you go from not eating people one day to staring longingly at the back of someone's neck the next?! I can't bear the thought of it, but my stomach has been growling for hours now. I've tried regular food, but it sits as if ash in my stomach. I need to get in contact with some local Gorgers so I can learn the proper etiquette of asking someone if you can nibble a bit from them. How do they not live in a constant state of guilt just for their very existence? You're not supposed to be able to have a conversation with your food!
 
It has been strongly suggested by my peers that I start keeping journals as it would seem that there will come a day when I don't remember my past and how I got to my present. Have I already begun to lose things? Yes. Will it be slow? Or all at once since I'm new to this? I can't actually remember how I died. My superiors say that I was working on studying a new disease that rapidly consumed me, until I finally succumbed to the illness myself. I know that they've put together that I can't remember it despite trying to be nonchalant about it. They've told me that I no longer have the clearance to look into what happened pending a full investigation on their end.
 
I was faithful. I AM faithful. But why does the Lord Commander test me in this fashion? What if this was all a test of my faith and I failed. What do I do?
 
How do I tell Lucius? WHAT do I tell Lucius? I wish he were here. I feel like I'm falling to pieces. I'm grateful that our neighbors have taken over with care for Willow while I convalesce. They're not bad for a bunch of Hedons. Willow...She's too young to understand what's going on. Lord Commander above, not even I understand it. Lucius is fighting hard to protect us...this is the last thing he needs. He'll worry, and how can he fight with a clear head if he's worrying about me back home? But I can't just let him come home to see me changed with no word beforehand. ARGH! I can't not tell him. How does one even begin to write that letter? "Hey, honey. I know you're away fighting, but I died and I don't even remember how. Oh, by the way, I'm no longer an Ascensorite like you and our daughter. Surprise!" Stupid. He'll rush home, orders or no.
 
I hate that I'm on an administrative leave from Last Hope. What I need right now is work to throw myself into that occupies my mind so I can stop thinking in circles over this. I've been tending to the garden for Lucius since he left, but it's mindless work and gives me all the time in the world to think.