Adam: "Eve, you were always a straight arrow! How could you do this to me?!"
+++ Eve looks at Adam, her eyes giving the faintest hint of corrosive hatred. +++
+++ She contemplates her next course of action. +++
Eve: "Who wears the diaper now, pookie bear?"
Adam: "I must wrangle them all, even if it means destroying you!"
+++ Eve activates her scope, revealing her tards. They’re ready to fight, ready to kill...not ready to love. Adam is shocked. Confused. The flabber is utterly gasted. The wind is picking up +++
Eve: "I always had a hard time telling fantasy from reality anyway."
+++ Adam activates his own scope, and the battle is joined! Who will win? Who will lose? Does Adam even want to, knowing that victory could spell an end to his lover’s life? Is Eve fully committed to her revenge? Or is it nothing more than a desperate woman’s gamble? Who set her on this avenging path? +++
+++ All of these burning questions will be answered in the next thrilling episode of- +++
+++ DUN DUN +++
+++ Tard Wrangler +++
Melodramatic outro music blares inside the interceptor. When the thrumball spins into random horncore, Krow and Giddy find themselves yearning. Finally, after at least three trimesters of pregnant pauses, Krow is the first to break the riff infested "silence".
"The pressure in my blood could rival the Undyne depths."
How deep?
Deep!
Woah.
Deeper!
No...
Deepest!
I'm gonna faint.
Indeep.
It’s noon in Whiplash. The streets bustle without any care for Ragnalonians and their drama. Krow flips his spangle up, wiping a tear from his only good eye.
"We can't miss the next one. No way, no how!" Krow grabs Giddy by the scruff, slaps him a few times and continues. "Gideon, mark it. We’re not missing the next episode, or so help me I’m signing us both up for the Caldera."
Gideon shivers, his teal eyes widening. "Anything but the Caldera..."
"Mark it, action man!"
Gideon marks down the next episode, scheduled for tomorrow's noon. With that done, he puts the interceptor into gear. Break time’s over, time to patrol.
+++ Rascals spotted in the upper cracks
just asking for a proper spanking! +++
+++ We'll take this one. +++
"Darn, it was nearby too. Think they need help?"
Krow scoffs.
Jack Bolter needs no help.
He said "we".
...Jack Bolter needs some help.
Hard to read that one. Can't figure him out.
Puzzles are like eggshells...
...they crack when you step on them.
Thinks he's all hot shit, with that stoic act he's got going. I can play games too!
Not as well as Tally, she lives for that shit.
It's inside of her name. I dissected it, she did not appreciate it.
Nobody likes getting stabbed.
This world is silly.
They continue driving through the Lower Cracks, the slummiest slum on the Roost. Nobody really wants to live here. Ragnalonians like Krow and Giddy prefer it. Cities often lack the excitement offered by banal clusterfucks beyond comfy walls. Called "Outlands" for short. Slums are close enough for their tastes.
"I wonder what if Adam will finally consummate his sister's-
Gideon slams the breaks.
"くそ!"
To get Krow to curse in kazango takes epic levels of surprise. Gideon activates the geller, his expression graver than a child's funeral. Krow looks at what the fuzz is about, and upon seeing a familiar adolescent delinquent jaywalking on the street ahead, his expression hardens in solidarity with Gideon's irritation.
+++ SUE-SAN! +++
The teenager is startled right back to the sidewalk, a single small jump correcting her "mistake".
+++ Strike two, Susan. One more time, and you’ll never jaywalk again. +++
Gideon turns off the geller and drives off, leaving the rebel to ponder her next move.
The rest of the day is uneventful. The occasional robbery here, someone gets murdered for his food there. Typical slum shit, nothing they can't handle. The only challenge is not to succumb to the drudgery.
Days threaten to merge together in their monotony, and both Ragnalonians pray to whatever the fuck is listening for something fiendish to shake them out of their ennui. As they drive, Krow's mind wanders into the depths of boredom.
Is it time yet? For the single good thing to happen, oh but when did I become a glass of embargot? My thrumball may not fit into this slut, but I still have my pride.
...
Fuuuck, onwards we drive with nothing happening.
I hate cities.
I hate safety.
I hate people!
He looks into the rear view mirror, pointing at his own reflection with disgust.
I hate you!
Me?
No, you!
Oh, me.
Yes!
Well...
...?
Fuck you!
GASP
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Take that back!
Make me!
Krow takes off his raspirator and puts a gun in his mouth.
I take it back!
How far?
How can you speak with blaster in mouth?
I know magic.
Woah, but isn't this the domain of your soul?
It is not, the copyright actually belongs to magenta. I may be employed, but the wyrding ways have me hooked on magentic machinations.
In other words?
I don't know what the fuck is going on. What I do know is that this gun barrel taste like shit.
"Krow, have I been drinking agai-"
Krow pops the gun out of his mouth, now slick with saliva, and points forwards. "LOOK OUT!" he shouts.
Gideon slams the breaks like they owe him krôm, but it’s too late. Someone ran in front of their interceptor, and got a face full of speeding metal.
Both men exit the interceptor to investigate. A twisted mass of broken bones and dead dreams writhes in agony a few meters from the vehicle. It shouldn't be still alive, but there it is...thrashing around as if he's isn't already dead...in rhythm with distant horncore.
Krow and Giddy look at each other, excitement building in their brazen souls. "Ain't no way..."
The ambience picks up on their rising glee, the tempo speeding up into something your average punk might bang their head to. Somewhere far away from the hustle and bustle of Whiplash, heavy metal thunder cracks out of the Hornburg and rolls towards them with reckless shredding.
The Ragnalonians stare at absolute chaos. A factory dedicated to the production of amperries has descended into pure anarchy. People hang off poles, impale themselves and others on poles, bang their heads against walls, finger-fuck earholes, nostrils, and other holes...with or without poles.
Gideon cracks his knuckles, readies his blaster and unsheathes his knife. Actually, it's more accurate to say its a short sword. The thrashers snap their attention to them as the sound of a primed blaster sneaks into their ears like a whispered threat.
"Call it in, I'll get started..." Gideon's smile is hidden by the bony raspirator as he charges into the charging throng, shouting his thanks to the horns for this lovely day. The carnage unfolds. Krow quickly broadcasts the following message to all RIP channels:
+++ Pandemonium at the Pauldron amporium +++
Then he joins Gideon in the "fun". At first, the daemoniac mob rushes the two ragnalonians with confidence. Misplaced? Oh yeas. All confidence evaporates like water on a sizzling pan when they start dying by the dozens every minute. Horncore is blaring at this point, and the ball is in the brazen court as thrashers are turned into mincemeat. Some of them rise again immediately as neerogs. All it does is give the two maniacs an excuse to kill again.
The writing on the wall is written in their own blood. Some of the remaining hundreds retreat into the building and try to barricade it while those that weren't quick enough keep dying by the handfuls against slowly advancing Ragnalonians. Gideon rips one guy in half and throws both halves at the retreating foes.
ᛒᛚᚨᛋᛏ
Krow attaches a magical blast on the lower half, taking out the unfortunate remnants in a violent explosion of magenta. Wiping the blood off their weapons, Giddy and Krow are faced with a new challenge...a locked door. Also recently barricaded.
There they stand, covered in the blood of would be fiends. More are inside, and they yearn to kill them. Gideon starts shaking, a frenzy threatening to overtake his senses. Krow isn’t feeling any hotter.
Locking themselves inside?
Abstinence from murder?
I cannot believe they'd do this to us.
Gideon slams into the door while the shivering thrashers do their best to barricade it more. It won’t work.
"I’ll take the roof!"
Krow uses magic to climb the pipes of the building like a roach. He even adds sound effects. With his mouth. Use your imagination, I ain't repeating that shit.
Clickity, clackity
Murdering the mortally challenged sure is neat.
With a final flourish, he jumps on to the roof like a hero from ye olde kazanimations. He approaches the door and...
CLICK
...
Locked?!
Krow’s angst seethes out from his helmet, and reaches the thrasher on the other side. He laughs in triumph, pumping his fist in victory. "Can’t reach me here, bronze! This layer of steel will protect me from your claws!"
Krow looks at his mechanical right hand. Yes, the fingers could be described as claws. Sharp, and made of brazen steel, ready to rip and tear through arrogant twats.
"Let me in, I can't kill you through this door!"
The thrasher is not moved by the amazing offer, so the door remains closed. Krow has to really think his way through his problem.
We could just blast the door.
No!
Pardon?
That’s what he’s expecting us to do.
Got a plan?
Oh yes. But you're not going to like it.
Try me.
"Knock, knock."
(⊙_⊙)
¬‿¬
From behind the tired steel, the thrasher’s breath catches in his throat. The sound of prey knowing their number is up. He tries to resist it, to ignore the call of nature. So he says it again. "Knock, knock."
...
...
...
...
..."W-who’s there?" Krow places his mechanical hand on the door, his brazen claws firmly lodged against the steel. It glows with malicious magenta, Runes travelling directly into the thrasher’s soul without so much as an invite.
"I eat mop."
ᛚᛸᛏᛖᚱᚨᛚᛏᛖᛚᛖᛈᛟᚱᛏ
Tears roll down his cheeks, as he knows what this means. His fate is sealed, yet he must answer. To do otherwise would be a violation, a gross molestation of natural law. "I eat mop who?"
All the excrement in the thrasher’s bowels suddenly teleports into his mouth. As he struggles against his fate, Krow opens the door.
It was open this whole time?
Yes.
Why didn't we open it?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fooled.
Fooled who?
You.
DANG IT!
Krow enters the stairway. At the bottom is the sorry sight of a man struggling to spit out his own fecal matter.
"Peh! Talk about a potty mouth!"
Krow runs down the stairs and uses the momentum to knee the thrasher's head against the wall. Then he runs his mechanical hand into his mouth, retrieving a piece of shit. "What's this doing here?"
He shoves the poop back where it came from without magic. Right as the last piece of shit goes up the bum, the thrasher (thankfully) dies of shock.
Wait a minute, me.
What is it, me?
Don't people shit themselves when they-
Suddenly, a violent deluge of fecal horror launches the dead thrasher up the stairs, and into the night sky.
(ㆆ_ㆆ)
Well, there you have it.
Didn't you teleport his shit into his mouth?
More got teleported back into his gut from...
...somewhere else.
What?
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
...anyway, Krow jogs down the stairs, cleaning specks of shit off his uniform. When he reaches the bottom, he enters a big room with many corpses. Standing in the middle of it is Gideon, radiating happiness. He's waiting for Krow to say a thing.
"What's that you got there, Giddy?"
Gideon lifts up the corpse in his left hand. "A rapist..." then he lifts up the corpse in his right hand "...and a paedophile."
"...that's the same guy ripped in half."
Gideon looks down at both halves of the thrasher he just tore apart. "It is?" Gideon says in exaggerated wonder, cackling as he discards both halves of the dead body into the corpse pile he stands on. He slides down like a kid playing with snow, a few limbs cracking against his immense weight. Krow jogs up to him.
"Yeah!" they both shout in unison, hands connecting in a thunderous high-five. The seismic tremors created by their palms slapping together echoes through the building. The remaining daemoniacs, hearing their impending doom celebrating so brazenly and the realization that they're next causes their numbers to drop from dozens to a single duo hiding in the nearby office. One of them bursts out of the room, much to his companion's chagrin.
"You bronze cunts!" he shakes his fist at Gideon and Krow, who are fresh from their epic high five. They just stare at him, their silvery eye lenses betraying no emotion to the daemoniac. "Haven't you done enough murder today?"
Gideon and Krow look at each other.
"You want this one?"
"Sure." Gideon wipes the blood off his skeletal raspirator as he advances towards the indignant daemoniac.
"You will never take me alive!" the thrasher makes a break to the right, and jumps out the window. He splatters on the ground, his body popping like a gory balloon against the asphalt.
Gideon runs up to the window to take a closer look. Beholding the pile of fresh gore, he scratches his helmet. He turns to Krow, flipping his spangle up to reveal his confused, teal eyes. "Isn't this the first floor?"
Krow shrugs, wiping some shit from his sleeve.
"High blood pressure, I reckon."
Gideon notices the last survivor trying to sneak away, his head slowly following his sneaky antics. Without saying anything, he walks up to him.
"They can't see me, they can't see me, they can't-EEK!"
Gideon grabs the sneaky man by his scruff, lifting him up high enough to meet Krow at eye level. Krow flips his spangle up to make it more personal. "Name?"
The man spits in Krow's eye, which amuse the ragnalonian. Gideon is far less amused, and starts pummelling the man like a ragdoll.
"Ted!" screams the man.
SLAM
"My-"
SLAM
"-name-"
SLAM
"-is-"
SLAM
"-TEEEEEED!"
Gideon slams him on the ground one more time. He had to be very gentle with his slams. Despite this, Ted is bleeding profusely. He will live, though he will wish otherwise soon.
"Tell us about the amperry eater, Ted."
Suddenly, Ted starts crying. Tears mix with blood (and a bit of pus) and it drips on the floor, creating a small puddle. Krow crouches down, stabs his robot claw into it, and gives it a lick.
"How's it taste?"
"Pathetic."
¬‿¬
As if in response, Ted cries harder. Where all of this water is coming from, is anyone's guess. They say the human body is about 70% water, more or less depending on species...but the puddle is hardly a puddle anymore. What's the level above puddle, but below pool? Poodle?
"He's just a little boy, who wants some berries!"
Krow slaps Ted, a pint of tears splashing against the wall as he does. He whips his hand to get the excess moisture off his glove, but it's already soaked through.
"Fucker's hankering for a thirsty death."
"Gideon, hold him."
"I'm already doing that."
"Hold him...tighter."
Gideon holds Ted so tightly to the ground, something pops out of its socket. As the pudgy man screams in pain, Krow produces a book from...somewhere
"I have here in my hand a copy of the ‘Blueballs' Compendium...Sturmland edition."
Ted seems worried. Sweat mixes with tears as Krow flips the many pages. "It's eight hundred pages, so let's begin while the sun is still awake." Krow flips to page one, and begins to read. "He touched her up and down, eliciting an electric reaction out of her. His fingers travelled inner, inner, inner, towards her womanhood and then...he suddenly remembered that he had a date with his wife and left."
Ted shudders, more tears flowing down his cheeks. Krow flips to the next page, and clears his throat."To think he could have such feeling towards his own father...and a priest to boot! No matter, the now grown man proceeds on his new quest towards his father. He straddles him, the older man not offering any resistance. He moves his head closer, so close that he can feel his own breath bouncing back towards his face. As their lips meet...the man realizes this is fucked up and kills himself."
Ted starts writhing in frustration. "Stop it!"
Krow smirks, as he turns the page. "Adam..."
Ted pisses himself. "No..."
Krow's smirk widens. "...and Eve..." he reads slower and slower, dragging the torture.
"Anything but that!"
"Tell us where your son is."
Ted says nothing. Gideon nods to Krow, who continues the torture. "Adam and Eve meet each other in the garden. The feelings they've had for each other since they were kids coming to an explosive head as their lips clash in a frenzy of passion."
"Please stop, I'm so invested!"
"...they undress each other, flinging clothes to and fro like they mean nothing. With their naked bodies, they embrace and kiss and lick...and then..."
"No!"
"They..."
"Please, I beg you! MERCY!"
"...they died of hypothermia. The end."
Ted screams. "You sick fucks!" he shouts. Krow is about to flip a page, when Ted cries for him to stop. "Okay, I don't know where he is, but he is bound to return for the remaining unripe clusters. That's all I know, I swear!"
Satisfied, the gears in Krow's head start turning. Ted looks up at Gideon. "Please kill me. I can't live like this...the blue balls...they hurt so mu-"
Gideon rips his head off, and punts it out of the window. It lands in a gory pile with a SPLOOSH. Gideon pumps his fist in the air. "Yes!"
He makes it look so easy. When we try that, there's a lot of screaming, and a bit of piss. As if that'd-
Both of their comms spring to life, snapping Krow out of his mind palace.
+++ Need backup in the Lower Cracks, Encore in progress! +++
A series of coordinates keep getting repeated. Krow recognises the voice. Zacharine Koth. Dorf is always in trouble when least convenient. Gideon groans in frustration.
"Man, we'll never catch the next episode at this rate!"
"No worries, I have a cunny plan."
"Do tell, magic man." Gideon's excitement is infectious.
"I'll go to the Amporium, and lay in ambush. Our dear pandaemoniac has to return to eat berries at some point, and I will be there to give him a proper spanking."
Gideon jumps up and pumps his fist in the air, almost punching the ceiling in the process. "Aw yeah, sneak attack!"
"Indeep, now make haste to assist sir Koth! I must away up the stairs!"
Gideon is gone before Krow can even finish his statement.
No mind, let's get! Burn rubber, we got to boogie!
Krow sprints up the stairs. In his haste, he forgot that they are slick with blood, and he falls back down and stubs his toe. How he did that while wearing advanced combat boots is a mystery that will remain unresolved. His agonizing screams are muffled by the raspirator, but the pain is a truth he can't handle.
"Foiled by steps? I THINK NOT!"
Krow unleashes a barrage of damaging magenta at the stairs, obliterating them in a shower of wyrding blasts. When the magical dust settles, all that is left is a ruin of melting metal and plastic.
"Now think about what you did."
...
Now to actually get up the stairs.
When in doubt, dig a hole!
ᛒᚥᚱᚱᛟᚹ
Krow uses his magic yet again, this time to open a portal beneath his feet. Magentic hands grab him by the legs, crotch and torso, pulling him down into magical pockets. Another hole radiating magenta opens up at the top, spitting him out like a scorned lover.
Why is the Magenta always so rough with me?
You know what you did!
The stairs had it coming! Hindering me in my valorous quest?
HAR-UMPH!
Krow enters the amporium, and sees all the berries. According to the late, blue-balled Ted, his son will go for the unripe clusters. Alas, there is a problem. Krow looks hard and long, even using magic to detect their garms. Nothing. The ambience is fear, and Krow can't figure out why. Runes of this alignment do not reveal everything.
Call the godly spear.
No.
You must.
Why?
He knows helchemy.
This is his jam.
Jam?
Is he a baelor now?
No, just a maniac with a syringe.
Call him.
I don't think so.
Why?
You would not understand.
Clearly out of options, he comes to a conclusion.
If there is nothing to lure him back, I must BECOME the lure. Krow undresses, hiding his gear, brazen eye and brazen arm in a closet nearby so as to not arouse suspicion. The mere presence of brazen steel can make even the most audacious fiends dive into pools of their own piss. Once completely naked, Krow performs the magical spelling one armed.
ᛊᛠᛈᚳᛠᛝᛄᛏᚥᚥᚾᚱᛇᛈᚨᛗᛈᛖᚱᚱᛣ
It takes twice as long without his other arm, but needs must when stealth is concerned. He shrinks into the tiny form of an unripe amperry. All green, not a speck of red to be seen. Perfectly juvenile for the incoming devourer.
Or so he thought.
Krow stands there in berry form confidently, the stalks acting like legs and arms. His power pose catches the attention of the drooling giant entering the room. A man of snælandic descent, much like a certain she-wolf he knows.
Okami-chan wouldn't appreciate being compared to this...specimen.
And what a specimen he is. Of pudgy build, his face his pale and poofy, as if stung by an army of pinky dangers. His beard does not match his blonde hair in hue, being brown and greasy. He has an expression of constant anger on his face, but the moment he locks eyes on Krow's succulent, underage form, he glitters with glee.
He really likes eating, huh?
No worries, as long as we dodge his teeth and dive into his throat, we should be-
"You look so sexy, little berry."
The mood turns harder than my stomach while writing this. Krow's metaphysical eyes inside his berry blink in confusion. All of his confidence has been replaced by perplexity, and he can only utter a single syllable.
"Hwat?"
The man approaches with deviant intent, kissing Krow's tiny stalk hand like a prince finding his long lost princess. He introduces himself as Teddy Pauldron, lover of little berries. Sovereign of the unknown amp. Fighter of convention, Belly Buttoner, and a dresser most snappy.
"You're really small...smaller than the others, heh heh." The implications get more dire. Krow is frozen with confusion as Teddy picks him up gently, bringing him up to his face.
"I wonder if you'll fit." That's the straw that snaps Krow out of his fugue state. For the first time in millennia, his fight or flight takes over.
ᛞᚨᛗᚨᚳᚠᛣᛚᛞ
First comes fight in the form of a damage field. His aura is cloaked in malicious magenta that bites and nibbles Teddy's fingers, forcing him to drop the unripe berry.
"Á!"
Next comes flight. Krow runs as fast as his little stalky legs can carry him. When that is not enough to shorten the distance between him and the raunchy giant, he proceeds to roll like an edgehog away, into the first crevice he finds.
"Come back, new love of mine! I wanna see if you fit into my-" Krow falls down the crevice, and into the next scene of this story.
"Where am I?"
Krow's word come unbidden, the adrenaline in his little body not quite thinning out. He didn't expect to get an answer so quickly though.
"You're in the last refuge we have from that monster."
He looks up, seeing a bunch of berries like him, though these are clearly matured with deep crimson. Fully adult amperries, standing on stalks of despair.
"You're safe little one. He can't hurt you down here."
Krow looks around. It is a large compound constructed by amperries, for amperries. They lead him to a room where other little green berries are holed up. He sees magentic runes all around the room, hiding their distinct garms from those that would prey on them. That's when Krow realizes his mistake from earlier...searching with a hunter's mindset, a gut reaction from centuries of dealing with daemoniac shenanigans.
"Have no fear. I am not a villain from magical stories. I'm with Red Iron Patrol."
The berries light up at this, hope rekindling in their seeds. "Does this mean we can be kjarnsoth at last?"
"Yes, but first I must deal with Teddy Pauldron."
The berries despair at this. "We have no hope against him. He is large, we are berries. Nature has decided this battle for us."
Krow slams his fist on a random table dramatically. He breaks his stalk, but it is not painful. Amperries do not have pain receptors, but they do have a mind. One that can be tormented. Krow shudders to imagine what the first victims of Teddy Pauldron went through. A rage flows through his mind, blossoming into a righteous frenzy.
"I'll enter him."
Krow climbs back to the surface, back to the fiend's hunting grounds. It does not take him long to find him.
"Where did you go, sexy little berry! I yearn for your-"
"Right here, Teddy Pauldron!"
Krow stands in the middle of the room, confident and pissed. Teddy crawls closer, drool escaping his lips.. As the man picks Krow up, he lifts up his greasy shirt.
"Get in my belly, little one!"
Teddy can barely contain his excitement as he shoves Krow roughly into his belly button. Normally that's be the end of it. Krow would've been crushed against the wrinkly bottom of the belly button.
Alas, this is no mere belly button. It is a vortex, a black hole that leads to vistas of discomfort hitherto undreamt by sane minds. Krow falls down into an abyss of misaligned garms vying for supremacy in this grizzly pit. Krow plops into a vast chamber half filled with orange liquid. He rises to his stalks, covered in a substance that burns his little berry body. Yet it is not strong enough to dissolve, just really hot and uncomfortable.
"Help me..."
Krow looks to the source of the voice. He sees an unripe berry, floating aimlessly through this sea of hot, hot unbearable. "I want to be kjarnsoth...I'm so warm. I'm too warm. Mama branch, help..."
The berry sinks into the red-gold depths of Teddy's soul. There are others, saying things that sting what little remains of Krow's empathy.
"It hurts."
"Let me go."
"I want my branch."
"Mama."
"Mama."
"Mama."
"Make it stop hurty."
Krow's stalky little hand clenches into a fibrous fist. Tears well up in the eyes inside his body. I've seen things...absurd. This is just...
Evil?
Fucked up?
Deranged?
Unethical?
I choose all of the above. Enough is enough.
ᛊᛠᛈᚳᛠᛝᛄᚱᛣᛚᛣᛉ
Teddy Pauldron's moan of pleasure turn into agonized screech right quick as Krow returns to his original human form inside his belly vortex. The explosion of daemoniac gore showers all the berries in the amporium, as Krow stands over his defeated foe, power posing with one arm.
However, because of the pandaemoniac energies, all the bits of Teddy Pauldron still live. As he's about to fuse back together, Krow whistles, looking at an imaginary wrist-mounted horolog.
"Oh dear, would you look at that. It's LUNCH TIME!" Krow starts picking up bits of Teddy and devouring them like a starving animal. Inside his blue-blooded body, Teddy Pauldron's corrupted soul has no escape. Panicked, the last bit of him tries rolling away into a crevice, directly into the waiting, stalky arms of several amperries. They grab the renegade eyeball, and deliver it to Krow.
"No, please! Bronze, have mercy!"
Krow flips the eyeball up in the air. It screams all the way down into his mouth. Krow chews with relish, and swallows the last of Teddy Pauldron. Slapping his tummy in satisfaction, he calmly puts his armor back on. The amperries wave goodbye as he leaves. The second he puts his helmet back on, his comms start blaring. He accepts the call with a simple button push on his wrist-pad.
"This is your worst nightmare, go ahead."
+++ Hey, I'm done. Turns out Zach just needed help with a lady friend getting too rough, if you catch my meaning. +++
+++ I DID NOT CONSENT! +++
"Sublime. Pick me up, I'm done at the amporium."
+++ Pandemonium solved? +++
Krow rubs his stomach. "Along with lunch."
There is laughter on the other side. Someone's small, dorfy shoulder gets punched, followed by a grumbling "Ow!"
+++ You son of a gun, I'll be there in a jiffy! +++
Krow doesn't have to wait long outside the amporium. Gideon drives the interceptor nose first into the building, crashing through the wall. Zacharine Koth flies through the windshield, crashes against the wall and dies. As Gideon backs up the interceptor, he rolls down the window. "Hop in, Tard Wrangler is starting in ten!"
It's the next day already?
Yeah? Didn't you read the exposition earlier?
Must've missed it.
Krow jogs around to the passenger side, more giddy than Giddy, slamming into the seat. "Rock and roll!"
They drive off as the sun reaches its widest awakening. Krow turns on the radome, ads playing in between shows on the station.
"Any moment now."
"Three minutes."
"I can't wait to hear what-STOP!"
Gideon slams the breaks. Krow looks out the window in sheer disbelief. "Not the audacity of this bitch..." he mumbles to himself, anger rumbling in both of their guts. Gideon's eye twitches. They cannot believe their eyes.
Sue-San is jaywalking again, and this time she brought all of her friends. In fact, if Krow hadn't told Gideon to slam the breaks, they'd have killed them all by accident. The teenagers laugh it off, banging their hands on the hood of their interceptor.
"That's it!"
Yep, the meter has been filled with second chances and letting off the hook. Now the hammer comes crashing down. Krow and Gideon jump out of the interceptor with malicious intent.
ᛋᛚᛟᚹᛏᚨᚱᚷᛖᛏᛋᛋᚥᛖᛋᚨᚾᛞᛃᛠᚲᛟᛒᚠᛣᚾᚾ
Krow targets all three teens with a slowing spell, preventing their escape. They make short work of Jaycob and Fynn, pummelling them into the street. That just leaves Sue-san, currently trying to run away in slow motion...across the busy street instead of on the sidewalk, endangering her life even more. Gideon saunters over to her and grabs her by the hair, tossing her on to the sidewalk.
What follows is an epic beatdown. They make sure to pull their punches, as killing her would be way too much gem-work.
"Endangering lives, your own and others!"
"Ignoring authority!"
"Slapping an R.I.P interceptor!"
"SHAME ON YOU!"
When they've beaten her within an inch of her life, they drag her and her two friends to the interceptor and toss them inside as if they were bloodied rags. When they begin driving, Krow turns on the radio.
+++ Next time on Tard Wrangler, will- +++
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~" Krow screams, shattering the teenager's unprotected ear drums. Gideon sheds a tear, which leaks over his raspirator. He seriously considers crashing into a wall, ending it all. It's only thanks to the civilians in the back seat that he resists the impulsee.
"Just find their homes, so we can be done with this." Gideon says, his voice cracking with barely contained sorrow that threatens to break like a dam holding back the Undyne. Krow snaps his attention to the barely conscious teenagers in the back seats, his single eye seething with hate. "Your home addresses, NOW!"
The teenagers do not respond, on account of the brain damage. Krow groans, and contacts Taly'y Csondach.
+++ Yeh? +++
"Tally, I need the addresses of Sue-san Soorandy, Jaycob Clinch and Fynn Fuchs."
+++ Can't you just read their minds, magic man? +++
Krow slams his robot hand against the dash, fighting the urge to cry. "My currency is dry!" he growls, his voice shaking, trembling with grief.
+++ Okay, okay! Sending it now. +++
Thank horns for arcadians. I'm about to shit my sorrows all over these little shits.
Krow receives the addresses, and they're off. Conveniently, they all live next to each other in the same apartment fuse. They deliver the boys first, then finally approach Sue-san's home.
KNOCK KNOCK
Krow slams his robot hand on the metal door, announcing their arrival with a boom.
"Who's there?" asks a meek voice. Gideon has no patience for this nonsense, and break the door down with a single punch. The mother, busy drinking kjarnsoth, is not even startled.
"Oh, Red Iron Patrol. What can I-"
Krow tosses Sue-san into the apartment, and starts to leave. Gideon follows him, both men hearing the mother scolding her daughter.
"Damn it Susan, what did I say about antagonizing the bronze? You're grounded!" Sue-san does not respond, on account of the concussion and broken...everything.
On that note, Krow and Gideon sit in the interceptor, and seethe with sadness.
"Well, time to kill myse-"
That's when Krow is struck with an idea of his own. The sudden whiplash threatens to snap his neck. "Ohm will know what happened! She and Okami-chan always catch every episode!"
Gideon's eyes widens. "Fuck me missionary and call me a pillow princess, YOU'RE RIGHT!"
"FANG IT!"
Gideon slams on the go-pedal, the wheels screaming against the asphalt. They arrive at the Whiplash Brass right outside the walls in about two minutes. Gideon crashes the interceptor sideways into the wall, almost killing Krow.
"HASTE!"
They sprint into the building, quickly locating Omega Stroud's runecode. The second floor.
"No time for the stairs. Hold on!" Krow grabs Gideon, and uses magic to levitate them up.
The strain almost kills Krow, his nose bleeding magenta. Gideon helps carry him the rest of the way, towards Omega's room. The larger man knocks on it in a frenzy, as if lives are at stake.
"Busy!" says a shaky voice.
Gideon slams on the door harder, as Krow regains some of his strength and starts knocking too. There is a heaving sigh on the other side. The door opens a few moments later, and a half naked Omega opens the door.
"How you going, boys?" she says, wiping...something off her mouth. The room has romantic lighting inside, and another woman pants inside, frustration radiating all the way towards Krow's magical senses. Not that he cares, he puts both hands on Omega's shoulders.
"Ohm, we come to you in a time of great need. Please, tell us what happened in the latest episode of Tard Wrangler. We need to know!"
"If there is a heaven for pussies, I'll take you there."
Gideon's desperate bargain doesn't phase Omega, but it does catch in the other woman's ears. She shoots out of the romantic twilight like lightning and latches on to Gideon with murderous intent.
"Ylva, I was joki-OW!"
The white-haired girl sinks her teeth into his neck, and they both fall down to the first floor. Krow ignores the life and death struggle, and focuses on Omega's dumbfounded expression. He slaps her. "Focus, damn you! What happened in the last episode?"
"Of what?"
"Tard Wrangler!"
"I love that game ◠‿◠"
Krow slaps her again, her head barely moving in response. "No, the radio drama! What happened?!" Krow is shaking her at this point, but its too late.
"I forgor."
Krow lets go of Omega, his shocked expression echoing through his soul. "You're shitting me..."
"I'm not."
"You have to be shitting me."
"I wish I could shit you right now."
"I'm not being shitted?" tears start welling up in Krow's single eye.
"No. Did you guys finish up today?"
Krow barely hears her, as his whole world comes crashing down. It's over. The chain is broken. Only oblivion can set us free from this- Omega slaps Krow. "Hey! Did you guys finish today?"
Krow shakes his head. "Uh, one bystander dead."
Omega crosses her arms. Ylva walks up the stairs, covered in blue blood. Gideon's blood.
How the hel did she kill a berserker twice her size while half naked?
...
Wait, where are her panties?
Did Omega eat them again?
"Better square that away before Jack catches wind of it. He has no patience for tardiness."
Sounds like a responsibility!
Ew! FUCK THAT!
Krow makes a break for it, and jumps off the railing towards the bottom floor in slow motion. He sails through the air towards his new doom. Here's hoping he doesn't respawn this time. Millionth time is the charm, as they say!
Right before he's about to slam on the ground, the floor flips to reveal a giant trampoline. Before he can react, his fall is broken. Enough to prevent death, not enough to prevent him slamming into the ground. It bounces him up, and he thuds on the ground again.
Everything hurts.
Not as much as the truth.
Which is?
We missed Tard Wrangler.
No...
Krow hears a shout coming from above, in a scolding tone. "Finish up your gem work before Jack comes back!"
Krow groans, and turns over to the side like an angsty teenager. That's when he notices-
"Gideon!"
-the mangled mess that is Gideon Husker. He crawls over to him, ignoring the pain all over his body. He kneels next to him. Gideon grabs his extended hand.
"Give it to me straight, pardner. How bad is it?"
Krow takes a second to assess the damage. Entrails out, and tied in a bow. Rectum...gone.
Diagnosis?
Ass.
Gideon grabs Krow by the scruff, summoning what little remains of his strength. "What...happened in...Tard Wrangler!" he says in between vomiting blue blood. Krow can barely bring himself to look him in the eyes. Gideon catches on, knowing what that hesitation means.
"She forgor, didn't she?"
Krow doesn't answer, a single tear landing on his beaky raspirator. Gideon lets go of Krow's scruff, his entrails preparing one final anal evacuation as his consciousness ebbs away.
"Darn." are his final words. Krow bursts into tears, screaming to the distant aerials. His hysterical screams are cut short by a gunshot, the laser barely missing his crotch. Krow looks up where the shot came from. It's-
"Tally, let a man mourn in peace!"
She makes a "tick-tock" motion with her index finger. Krow looks at his horolog. A single eye widens with terror. Without further ado, Krow sprints out of the precinct and into the interceptor.
With great haste, Krow makes it back to the Amporium. Sprinting to the bloody mess outside that one window, he calculates the portions with his wrist-mounted tulva. Once those are complete, he makes a call on the phony.
+++ DOOO +++
...
+++ DOOO +++
...
+++ CLICK +++
The tulva screen is filled with the familiar, vaguely canine visage of a ghoul. His eyes shimmer with ravenous delight.
+++ Hello Mankind. What can this one- +++
"Scram needed at Amporium, portions: 95.33 klunks!" Krow doesn't even wait for confirmation, slamming the device closed. He pulls out a memory gem and starts gathering data.
This is taking forever.
Jack is going to spank us with that giant blade of his.
Nah, he will just shoot us...with a glare!
GASP
GASP
+++ Requiem complete +++
Krow looks at the gem, looking for the man's identity. It appears inside his mind's eye like a bad rash.
"Elrin Dal, huh?" he mumbles to himself, seeing if he has any next of kin. A quick search through the local databases yields just one, his mother. He punches the coordinates into the cartolich, and drives to her home. Knocking on the door, a large woman of...ample proportions opens the door.
"Red Iron Patrol." Krow flashes his red-iron cross.
As if I need to. Look at what I'm wearing!
Looking snappy.
Thanks me!
"Doth you have a moment to-"
"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE, BRONZE!" Before Krow can react, she jumps out the nearby window, and splatters on the ground like a bladder filled with blood. Krow stands there for a good while, processing what he just saw. He gets the attention of a random child walking on the street.
"Hey, isn't this the ground floor?"
The child nods. Krow scratches his helmet, then shrugs. "High blood pressure must run in the family."
With all of his tasks done for the day (he triple checks) he drives back to the Precinct without any shame. When he gets there, the rest of his squad are already on the ground floor, ready to start the day.
Wait...how long were we out?
Hours.
∘ ∘ ∘ ( °ヮ° ) ?
Didn’t you notice the sun going to sleep?
The darkness holds no interest to me.
Or, your night vision has been on this entire time.
That explains why everything is green...
Krow approaches the group. Gideon is there, fresh out of the shub and ready to kick ass. Standing behind him, pointing to a giant tulva screen in the middle of the chamber is Jack Bolter. When he notices Krow sneaking into the meeting, he doesn’t seem to notice him. Krow breathes a sigh of relief, and casually places himself next to his partner’s immense frame like nothing happened.
"Ohm and Ylva, you’ll take the Lower Cracks. Watch out for jaywalkers. Koth and Tally, you have the North Strocks. Play nice with our kin in the common precincts. Hasta, the Ramport with me." There is a pregnant pause of at least two trimesters when Jack Bolter suddenly locks eyes on Gideon and Krow.
Does he know?
No way, we are stealth!
"Welcome back, Krow."
He knows!
Shit!
FUCK!
Be cool, don’t give in to despair.
Everything will be fine.
Jack strides over to the pair, not in any hurry. He looks them both up and down (which takes longer for Gideon, the man’s fucking massive) and allows the ghost of a smirk to rise in his expression. "Caldera...for the remainder of our season here."
ಥ﹏ಥ
.·°՞(っ-ᯅ-ς)՞°·.
Jack puts his raspirator and helmet on.
"Rock and roll, let’s do this!"
And with that, everyone leaves. Gideon and Krow look at each other, despair dawning on their expressions. As they lumber reluctantly over to their interceptor towards the most peaceful district in Whiplash, Krow utter a single curse.
